Please Stop Blaming People for Suicide

If you are feeling suicidal, please get help.  If you are considering harming yourself, please don’t.  National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255  suicidepreventionlifeline.org.  https://www.facebook.com/800273talk/  If you have lost someone to suicide, please visit this link and go get help.  https://afsp.org/find-support/ive-lost-someone/

In 2017, 47,173 Americans died by suicide.  That’s out of a total of 2,744,248 deaths.  According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, that’s 129 suicides per day.  

In almost every other type of death, there is someone or something to blame.  If a person dies of cancer, one can blame the cancer.  When a person dies of a car accident, one can blame the car or the weather or the other driver.  With suicide, who do you blame?

In our society, blame is very important.  Whenever anything bad happens, the first thing we do is put our energies and resources toward finding out who is to blame.  The continuously rising rate of tort and class-action lawsuits is testimony to this fact.  Conversely, in this country and in our society we have a very difficult time blaming the dead person for their own death when it’s a suicide.  This is ingrained in our culture.  Almost always, people say don’t speak ill of the dead, and discussing their nefarious actions, or mentioning that maybe they are the ones responsible for their own deaths is rarely well received.   It’s as if by dying they have washed the slate clean, and now we are not allowed to remember what ugliness this person may have committed.

So where does that leave us when people take their own lives?  In our desire not to blame the dead, it seems very common to blame the living.  Visit any support group for survivors of suicide loss in person or on Facebook or anywhere else on the web and you will see a startling number of significant others, family members, or friends being blamed for their loved one’s suicide.

What’s cruel about this behavior is that the person being blamed is also coping with loss and guilt and anger and confusion.  To have to also cope with the hatred being directed at them for the actions of someone who now cannot take the blame or make any explanation is unkind to the point of cruelty. Since the accuser is rarely silent in their accusation, this blame often becomes a very public affair, leaving the grieving and blamed individual isolated and lacking support.   

There are times when someone does bear some responsibility in a suicide.  The media reports situations where someone was bullied which lead to suicide, and even cases where a person has directly encouraged another person to take their own life.  But in the grander scheme of almost 50,000 suicides per year, that is the smallest percentage of suicide deaths.  

Suicide is inexplicable.  Most people could not imagine NOT wanting to survive.  Folks would preserve their life and other’s lives with all of the strength we might have left.  Suicide is not logical.  Logically, we would all want to live to be 100, or longer, and be blessed in our lives all the years we live.  

But for some reason, something goes wrong in some people’s brains.  Though almost every individual can report a moment where they considered suicide, most folks take another path.   For the individuals that succeed at suicide, that other path never becomes apparent. 

At the end of the day, the person responsible for a suicide is the person who took their own life.  Not their mother or father who wasn’t always a perfect parent.  Not their sibling or best friend who didn’t return their text.  Not their wife or girlfriend who broke up with them last week or who simply didn’t see the signs.  Not their boss who fired them.  Not the policeman who gave them yet another DUI ticket last night.  Many of us face these sorts of problems and do not decide to end our lives over it.  

Suicide takes planning, in most cases.  It requires deciding in advance how you will die, where you will die, and how you will transport yourself to that place.  Even in the case of “spontaneous” suicides the individual has typically talked about suicide and discussed their own potential death with at least one other person.  The suicidal individual must have considered their options.  Supplies must be purchased and many times hidden.  In almost every successful suicide at least one failed suicide attempt was made in the past.  Suicide is a premeditated act.  

Applying a little bit of logic sheds light on the futility of such blame.  Typically, the ones blamed are the people closest to them.  For instance, a significant other is often blamed for breaking off a relationship with the other person.  But realistically, should they be held hostage in this relationship; forced to stay or someone dies?  In the weeks and months leading up to a suicide, the individual usually becomes more and more erratic, and their behavior can be dangerous to those around them.  Doesn’t the individual have the right to remove themselves from a damaging and potentially dangerous situation?  Blaming them for self-defense is illogical, and frankly, mean.  Applying the same logic to almost every suicide where those left behind are blamed will likely yield the same results.  

Conversely, with other self-destructive choices, we rarely blame others.   For instance, if individuals were racing their cars or driving drunk and had an accident, we wouldn’t blame the spouse who didn’t get in the car with them, or the store clerk who sold them the alcohol when they were still sober.  We would blame the individuals themselves who made the poor choice.  When a person is skydiving or rock climbing and suffers a fatal accident, we don’t blame their parents or their girlfriend or boyfriend for encouraging them to engage in this activity.  When a criminal robs a convenience store and is shot by police, we might think it’s probably partly their upbringing, but we largely blame the criminal for his own actions.  Risky and dangerous behavior often ends in death.

So why is this not true of suicide?  Why is it so hard for us to hold our own spouses, children, and loved ones responsible for their own deaths when suicide is also a risky and dangerous behavior? 

We will not be able to solve the problem of suicide until we start pointing the fingers in the right direction.  We can’t talk about how to prevent it unless we can stop looking at the failures of others and start talking about what was going on inside that person.  We can help each other, support one another, and love each other through the grief, and through that try prevent others from that dark and terrible path.

It is perfectly reasonable to have an argument with a loved one and expect everyone to be alive at the end of it.  It is perfectly reasonable to go to sleep on any given night expecting your loved ones not to harm themselves.  It is perfectly reasonable to break up with a significant other and not have them end up dead over it.  It is perfectly reasonable to anticipate that other people want to live.  It is perfectly reasonable to miss a call, ignore a text, or loose touch with a friend and not have anyone die because of it.  Blaming someone, or yourself, for a suicide is not helping anyone in any way.

Please stop blaming people for suicide.  Please stop inflicting this hatred and ugliness on others.  Everyone who experiences a suicide loss is faced with the same hurt, pain, and sorrow and guilt.  Tremendous crushing painful guilt.  It doesn’t make anyone a bad person to be honest about the loved one who hurt themselves.  It’s not speaking ill of the dead to speak the truth.  It doesn’t mean you love them less or miss them less.  

 It does mean that we can begin talking about a cure for our mental illnesses, and healing and growing together.  Placing a gentle and honest responsibility on the individual for the choices they made will help everyone heal, and help society begin to understand this terrible epidemic of self-hurt that has come over us.

Thank you for reading.  Shalom.  

Churchianity

I’m not a Churcher.  I left church as a teenager.  At the time I thought I was committing a sinful act of rebellion.  These many years later, I know that I had been called out.      

Over the next decades of self-study, I learned things on my own in the spirit that I would later hear pastors and preachers teaching from the pulpits and on the interwebs; “sermons” that I had preached at my kitchen table for years.  I learned that teachers and prophets often have a word for me, but a preacher and a church were not necessary to grow in faith and truth.  I learned that the spirit was sufficient.  I came to believe, based on what I saw in the word, that church should serve two functions: provide a place for physical and emotional support, and provide edification through fellowship and gathering.   

Photo Courtesy: https://handlingthewordoftruth.org/
2017/07/24/broken-arrow-how-false-doctrine-has-overrun-american-christianity/

I spent several years searching for a congregation of people who thought as I did.  I walked into church after church that was doing business the same old way.  The rituals varied; some had communion, some had baptismals, some had small groups and some had huge group Bible studies.  The basic format of “church” never varied with the introductory music, the rituals, the sermon, usually the collection plate and announcements, and then maybe snacks or lunch. 

Largely it seems like churches endeavor to gain control.  Control people.  Control their money.  Control their lifestyle choices.  Control their children.  Control their thoughts and ideals.  They use words like “unity” and “authority” to gain compliance.  They cast people out for having radical ideas and turn the weekly gathering of believers into a formulaic ritual.  Anyone who doesn’t agree or fit in or who questions the status quo is asked to leave. 

Authority doesn’t come directly from Elohim.  Authority in the faithful comes to a person when Adonai puts it on the hearts and minds of the believers around them to follow them.  It is the people’s agreement which gives the authority.  The democratic election process is a prime example of this principle.  Without the agreement of the people an authority figure is just a disembodied head.

Church, as we’ve been doing it, is a holdover from the Protestant Reformation 500 years ago, which still maintains the Catholic idea that the pastor/preacher is the representative of god and is therefore the voice of Elohim and should not be questioned.  We no longer live in a time where only the clergy class understands what that book says.  We have no excuse for not reading the word ourselves and applying it to our lives.  There is no procedure in the Bible for churches, their rituals, inquisitions, and thought control.  In fact, if one follows the words of Paul, there should be no single pastor or preacher, no formal worship team, no weekly bulletin, and no formal rituals…just a gathering of folks to discuss the Tanakh, the life of Yeshua, and the way forward, and to break bread together if they can do so without contention.   The idea that one person or a handful of people has all the answers is irresponsible.  

I don’t trust Christianity.  In my lifetime I’ve watched as “pastors” have lead their “flocks” to death in several awful ways, but only after usually enslaving them through their loyalty and faith.  I’ve watched the abuse of children be systematically covered up.  I’ve watched atrocious things done in the name of obedience, and my thought has always been: why would people blindly follow any man or woman?  

Regardless of any anointing any person may have received; an anointing is not a license to control other people. It can be taken away from the person to whom it was given. We see this several times in scripture.  An anointing doesn’t make a person Elohim, Moses, or Jesus.  This person is a still a human being and no more holy than I am.  

It seems egotistical and prideful that church leaders would assume that people should come every single week just to hear them lecture.  As an adult, I’ve gone to gatherings for the intention of hearing a speaker when it was a special visitor or I was lead to witness something that needed to be seen and heard.  I often do sit through a sermon, for various reasons, but week-to-week, that is not why I come.

So, why do I come?  I come to serve Elohim and my fellow man.  I come to sing out loud and join voices to praise my King and Creator.  I come for healing.   I come to be smiled at and hugged.  I come to eat lunch. I come to learn.  I come to give and receive prayer.  To offer my help, if I can.  To see my friends.  I come because I am prompted to and I may have a divine appointment. I come for a lot of reasons.  Hearing another sermon is usually not one of those reasons, and if that’s a requirement of being there, I’m probably not going to come.

What if there were no schedule and no bulletin and no one single person that dictates to everyone.  People could show-up when they wanted. The doors could open at eight or 9 or ten, and they could come and sit and fellowship, have coffee, and watch their children play with one another.  Folks could sign up to speak or sing or read in the main hall.  People could be allowed to prepare a conversation, or a short lecture, or offer to sing a song and share a scripture that was important to them that week.   What if the only set time was lunchtime?  

Churches can evolve.  That may mean being ready to step into strange and unknown places that are slightly uncomfortable at first. It may mean people letting go of their control and allowing the spirit to guide and lead.  It might mean letting people think what they want, even if they disagree with the official doctrine.  It might require humbling.

Every now and again, I find a group that’s close, and I hang around for a while.  Proverbs says that like a dog to its vomit, so a fool will return to his folly.  Different things usually happen, but eventually the same old things happen.  The atmosphere changes from warm and welcoming to rigid and controlled.  People start getting asked to leave for various reasons.  Rules and schedules and committees and control become more important than allowing the spirit to work freely, and more important than the people themselves.  Pretty soon we are all once again sheep being herded from place to place and knocked with the staff of “authority” if we step out of line.  

The pursuit of truth does not require a church, a pastor, or a “body of believers.”  In fact, Biblically speaking, isolation is how word and truth are imparted, and how the soul is tested.  There is a great spiritual awakening happening beneath the surface and under the radar of the churches.  The spirit is calling the people from NOT the churches, because those he called from the churches would rather go to church.   If churches won’t evolve, then the new believers will form their own groups outside of the doctrines of men.  I don’t know exactly what that will look like, but I am excited to be part of the adventure.

Today, churches are failing by the thousands.  Unless change comes church will become a relic of the past.  People don’t want the same old stage show anymore.  They are not interested in politics and power struggles as usual. They don’t even understand it.  They are not interested in being lectured to week after week and told what they should believe and how they should live.  That doesn’t mean they don’t want fellowship, spiritual edification, education, and a chance to serve.  They just crave something better, something open; something real.  If church cannot provide that, then there will be no church.